The Hardest Time of My Life

We're standing and staring to each other,
There're not so many words come out of our mouth,
They're ust a simple yet important one.

The bags are packed and I'm ready to go,
I smile at you and stare at your beautiful eyes,
I see your smile..oh no, there's no smile.
I make a joke so you will laugh.
I said, " it's OK, we've been through this over and over"
You didn't react.
I said it again, "it's just for a while, I have to do this"
You didn't react.
You just looking at my eyes deeper and deeper.
I smile with a big grin, you can see my big theets.
I hug you not so tight, and kiss your forehead.
I asked, " I'll see you soon?"
You just nodded.
Then I leave you.

That was few hours a go.
That was the last day I saw him this year.
That was surely not an easy thing to do.
That was devastating..

I was pretended strong outside, but in the inside
I was broke into pieces..
How can you leave the one you love, though for a while?!
I was smiling so he knows I'll be alright.
It's already hard for me, I'm not interested to make it's harder on him.
I made a joke so I can save his last smile this year.
I hugged him not so tight, so I could get it done easily.

He didn't know that when I leave, my eyes were watering
When I'm alone, I cry myself a river
When he's not there, I'm pointless
But I have to be strong even when we're apart.

My love, we never be apart because I'm taking you with me.. in my mind, in my soul, in my heart and in my prayers.

J.I.L.U.S.M

Christmas Youth 2009

My battle field

Last week was surely the finest week of my life. I finally am able to finish what I’ve been fighting during these years. It’s true that working while study or vice-versa has something in common; they acquire sacrifice of time, money and energy, but in the end they are worth fighting for.

I start this phase in early 2007; I got accepted at the same time in Post Graduate Program of University of Indonesia and French Chamber of Commerce as Business Development assistant. I did not know which to choose among them, because they are both looking good. I realize that being a bachelor is not enough to survive in Indonesia. In the other side, I also realize that most of job vacancy available always oblige of professional experience. Then I decided to go with both choices with strong believe that I can do those things in the same time.

I was naïf, but I never regret my decision. The new journey with a new routine began. I have to wake up at 5 o’clock in the morning, going to work at 6 AM, working for 8 hours, dealing with evening traffic at 5 or 6 PM –not to mention the typical flood and bad infrastructure of Jakarta. After, I have to study about politic, economy, international relation, strategy and other things about European study until 10 PM, driving myself back home for 1 hour, arrive in my place at 11 PM, cleaning up and get to bed around 11.30 PM. The next day, I have to wake up very early. It continues from Monday to Friday during these 2 years.

Time management is very hard to do, especially when you have to face the fact that we are social human being. I have to spare time for my family, friends, colleagues, Youth community and other collective activities. If they have problem, I get involved in it automatically. Not to forget that I have to study for many essays and exams, while in the same time I also had to prepare for business trips, business presentations, corporate events, etc. I barely have time for myself.

There are times when I was really broke, the printer in office and in home didn’t work, my laptop was burn up, the PC in the office had so many viruses and so did my USB, the PC in my house were sold, the rearview of my car got stolen, the working late and in week end, while I have to do research for my thesis and I have to do presentation in time really had driven me crazy. Most of the time, I almost give up, being dropped out seems the easiest way to continue my life. Strangely that every minute that mindset occur, that exact minute I get reminded by my heart that I wasn’t born as a quitter, instead as a survival and a winner. Therefore, I have to hanging there a bit longer and just do it.

No one could ever understand how it feels and no one could assist me in dealing those things. I was there alone since the beginning but I never felt lonely. Surprisingly, He is always there for me during those difficult times and never leaved me alone. If it’s not because HIS strength, if He didn’t shower me with His endless love and if He didn’t pour His blessings upon me, I would not make it. Definitely! He urged me to touch the peak and break the limit of my incapability. He wants the best for me. He made me start it and He helps me end it.

I learnt that life is not easy to get along with and every one should deal with their own battle. During that time, there will be time when no body could ever help you- event your parents, plenty of friends disappoint you, much of jealousy to those who seems has better life but remember one thing, there’s only one personality who understands you very well, love you so much, care for you even in the darkest day and always there for you; He is your God. Don’t depend on your own strength, you will get frustrated coz you ain’t strong enough for this life. Depend on Him and see what He can do for you. I’ve been there, I’ve done that and now I smile.

I know that I will face greater battle field, but I am not a quitter and I refuse to surrender. I know He will be with me since the beginning until I hold the arch of my gold medal.